It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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