If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
