Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
