if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
