Already got asked if we're dating
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
