I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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