I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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