I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
