I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
