Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
