Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
