I love black thongs
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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