If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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