I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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