It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
