you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
