He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
