Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
