the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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