If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
