the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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