just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
did i just pee glitter
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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