I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
