I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
