I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
