just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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