don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
