turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
