So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
