I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
