Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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