are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
