I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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