I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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