After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
