Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
