Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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