i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
