He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
