i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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