I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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