My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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