whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
sarcasm needs its own font
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
