you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
