Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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