I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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