I smell stomach acid.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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