he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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