It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
