If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
